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Kalie shared great insight in her last blog post how, more often than not, marriage relationships become complacent without intentional connection. This can occur without consistent date nights, major life transitions, or sometimes a result of conflict. Now, conflict in marriage is not the recipe for a doomed relationship. Rather, I would suggest the exact opposite! Couples fight. The idea that two different people would join together as one unit, under one roof, every single day and not experience conflict is a fantasy. But conflict doesn’t have to be bad—how does the song go? It hurts so good? Joking aside, conflict does not have to be damaging to your marriage relationship. In fact, conflict can create more intimacy and bring you closer than you thought possible, if done well. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott wrote this quote in their book The Good Fight, “Fighting is as intrinsic to marriage as sex. And the goal for both activities is to do them well.”
So what is the recipe for a good fight? Many theorists have come up with fantastic ideas on how to manage conflict well—most famously, Dr. Gottman has coined the Four Horseman of the Apocaplypse (you can read more about them here) where he identifies antidotes to common unhealthy reactions to conflict. The previously mentioned Drs. Parrott wrote a book with core elements of a constructive argument. I’m sure Freud himself had suggestions for how to handle interpersonal disagreements. Therefore, Kalie and I have decided to do a short series about conflict, providing you insights from various authors about how to not only manage your conflict, but welcome it in the name of building intimacy around that conflict.
But before jumping into the hows, whens, and whats, lets start with why. Why is conflict so important? What is the premise of an argument? I remember having this argument with my husband about closing a bank account that predated our dating relationship. He suggested it was unnecessary, and I firmly (maybe stubbornly) stated that it was a fine bank account and it was unnecessary to close it. Let me tell you, it was a silly argument and we both were quite heated about it. Somehow it went from banking to trust and consistency and spending time together. What?! By the end of the argument, we weren’t even fighting about the bank account anymore. The fight wasn’t really about what we were fighting about.
Underneath that conflict, were vulnerable feelings. I was feeling unimportant and he was feeling undervalued, but we didn’t say those things. When we dance around those feelings without inviting our partner into our hearts—we miss that opportunity to connect, to understand, to respect, and to love. So these next few posts will be some strategies and suggestions for connecting through conflict, in a way that inspires intimacy and understanding.
Recommendations for reading:
The Good Fight: How conflict can bring you closer Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Dr. John Gottman
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/