Connecting through Conflict: Part 3

It seems only natural to follow up Kalie’s post about Criticism with a discussion on Defensiveness, because who doesn’t feel a little defensive following a bout of criticism? Raise your hand if you have walked in the door, only to find an irritated partner asking you to do a laundry list of things. *Imagining every single hand in the air* It may be completely understandable to respond with “You just don’t understand how hard my day was,” or “I just got home, why can’t you do it?”. However, the outcome of that interchange will not be a positive one. Lets look at this example:

C: You seriously haven’t done the dishes like you promised?

D: *sigh* I just walked in the door, I had a hard day at work, why can’t you do the dishes?

C: You promised me you would do the dishes two days ago, you never keep your word.

D: You have so much more time to do the dishes, I worked all day today. I just need you to understand that I don’t have time.

Both partners leave this conversation feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and a lot angry. One could argue both perspectives had valid points, but it didn’t resolve the conflict or encourage understanding for one another. Gottman describes defensiveness as the perfect ingredient to escalate an argument. Basically, it’s the gasoline to a wildfire. Criticism may start the fire, but the defensiveness puts it out of control.

Behind every response to an argument or conflict are feelings. Those pesky feelings.

Lets look at that same argument this way:

C: I have been let down again

D: You don’t understand what I’m feeling

C: I don’t think I can trust you

D: You don’t appreciate what I do for our family

Gottman describes the antidote as taking ownership of your part, understanding your partner’s perspective, and apologizing. Defensiveness is that opportunity to say, “Its not me, its you.” The antidote for that is to say, “You’re right, it is me.” Paul gives this same encouragement in Ephesians 4:2 when he writes, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” This moment of owning your piece of the problem promotes that humble spirit, encouraging gentleness and patience. How intimate is that to connect with your spouse emotionally and spiritually in that moment of recognizing your flaw and humbly asking forgiveness from your spouse. That right there is foundation of connection. And that opportunity often happens as a result of conflict.

So lets try the follow-up to this conversation. We’ve boiled down some suggestions by Gottman, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, and Gary Chapman (author of The Five Love Languages).

Apologize

An apology, if genuine, has the power to repair a relationship, heal those wounds, and disarm any anger or contempt brewing under the surface. Saying “I am sorry for” decreases future (and present) regret and promotes honesty and trust.

If you are interested in learning about your and your partner’s apology languages, check out this free resource by Gary Chapman. He has created a quiz that identifies how you relate to certain types of apologies. Take this together as a couple and discuss how this is portrayed in your relationship.

Share your heart

In a moment of frustration or disappointment, it is easier to create a criticism or insult rather than to share how the behavior makes you feel. Drs. Parrott have a communication method they teach called the XYZ Formula. Now the formula can be switched around ZYX or XYZ, but the premise of this method is to focus on sharing how you feel about the situation.

For example:

This method of sharing the why behind the action of conflict is not an attempt to justify or explain the situation.When coupled with the apology, this sentence promotes understanding and patience.

We leave you with this challenge:

How can you promote Gentleness and Ownership in your relationship, rather than Criticism and Defensiveness?

Share your victories and challenges with us in the comments below!