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I want to take us back to the first post on this conflict series, to a quote I referenced by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott from The Good Fight. “Fighting is as intrinsic to marriage as sex. And the goal for both activities is to do them well.” This statement first struck me as overly simplistic—of course we want to fight well, but one activity is vastly more attractive than the other. But at the heart of each, is an opportunity to increase intimacy and connection, both of which are achieved through vulnerability. In order to do conflict well, that vulnerability piece is critical.
Vulnerability begets vulnerability.
This series touched on accepting influence, owning your piece, and having a gentle approach with your spouse. We talked about Dr. Gottman’s antidotes to common responses to conflict, and techniques to utilize as you continue on this marriage journey. But lets face it. We are a stubborn people. It is not easy to change your attitude mid-fight, or recognize your harsh and/or defensive stance as you are feeling all the angry feels. Perfection does not exist (let me repeat this for myself again and again). Therefore, in those times when we screw up and our sinful, selfish nature takes over—we have to ask for forgiveness.
Forgiveness. Not always an easy thing to offer or to ask for. I wish I could say I had some great example of a time I mastered this concept, rather I struggle as much as the next person with forgiveness. So lets take it back to the source:
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 ESV
“Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 ESV
“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’” Matthew 18:21-22 ESV
So what does this mean for our marriages? If we are to follow the example given to us for a healthy relationship—then we must be open-handed with our forgiveness, offering it with support, encouragement, and gentility. It would seem these are perfectly in-line with Dr. Gottman’s antidotes—attitudes and approaches that are filled with grace, humility and love! The culmination of a good fight ends with connection, intimacy, and reparation of the relationship. Forgiveness is the culmination of accepting influence, owning your piece, and having a gentle approach. It inspires a genuine vulnerability that can melt defensiveness, contempt, and a critical heart. If fighting is intrinsic to marriage, then it would only seem natural to say forgiveness is intrinsic to fighting.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer made this statement, “It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” This structure of a marriage, intrinsically providing opportunities for conflict and sex, cultivates that unconditional love that withstands the storms of life. It cultivates that rich relationship that makes marriage the foundation for everything else.