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Dr. Kristen Wynns is the founder and owner of Wynns Family Psychology and founder of No Wimpy Parenting. She recently launched a book, The No Wimpy Parenting Handbook, as a tool for parents to unite them together as they raise their children. In addition to being a well-known child psychologist, she is also a mother of two and wife of almost 20 years. Dr. Wynns was delighted to share with our Marriage Reclaimed community her insights of marriage throughout the storms. So, without further introduction:
In the eye of the storm
With the recent stress and concern over Hurricane Florence hitting the East Coast, I’m reminded of parallels with tough times in marriage. Most of us who have been married for a while have accepted that the journey of marriage has tons of wonderful metaphors we can steal from the world of weather. We all LOVE the sunny, breezy, right around 80 degrees moments of marriage. Those are the days when you and your spouse actually like each other, you are connected emotionally, sexually and spiritually. You are having meaningful talks and you hold hands while watching sunsets every evening. Yes, when those seasons occur in marriage (and in weather) we should cherish and savor them.
However, we all know the sunny days can’t last forever. We might have cloudy and drizzly days during which your spouse’s habit of crunching cereal loudly is no longer endearing, it’s the MOST ANNOYING SOUND YOU HAVE EVER HEARD! These are the days when you are both working too hard, not having time for talks beyond, “Did you pick up the milk and order the yearbooks yet?” You are not carving out time for cuddling, hand holding, or sex, and you have resorted to petty arguments and irritated sighs as your communication. While those cloudy days are no fun, what happens when the wind picks up, the sky darkens to black, and a Category 5 storm is suddenly heading straight towards your happy, cozy home? These are the moments in marriage where one or both of you may be panicking, thinking, “I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.” You may be giving each other silent treatment for days, or you may be yelling and fighting constantly. You may be sleeping in different rooms, crying yourself to sleep at night, and wondering if you will ever get back to the “way things used to be.”
How do we stop the downward spiral and come through the eye of the storm?
Seek professional help immediately. Call your church or go online to find a referral for a marriage counselor who lives, breathes, and eats marital therapy. You want an expert to help immediately.
Consider a more intensive experience. There are marriage workshops, weekend retreats, or longer more intensive therapy experiences for couples in crisis.*
Be careful with whom you confide in as when the storm passes. You don’t want your friends and family mad at your spouse forever. But do find a trusted confidante or church elder who can provide support and a listening ear. Lean on your faith and pray.
Remember someone has to go first. If you are upset and angry, you won’t likely feel like being nice or initiating something positive with your spouse. But if you put aside your ego for the greater good of your marriage and choose one small step towards your spouse and away from, well yourself, you will be surprised at the positive momentum that occurs. Can you send a friendly text? Bring home a favorite treat or coffee? Share a funny video that made you laugh?
Go back to the beginning. Look through old photos of the two of you in your dating years, and remind yourself of why you fell in love in the first place.
Remember, even the worst of storms don’t last forever. The rain will stop and the sun will peek through those clouds again. I recently learned that after a hurricane passes through, the immediate weather to follow is often stunningly beautiful. Focus on that hope and on doing what YOU can do to change the climate in your home.
*For more information on intensive marital therapy options, please visit Dr. Wynns’ website at www.wynnsfamilypsychology.com or email us at lauren@wynnsfamilypsychology.com or info@wynnsfamilypsychology.com. We would love to discuss options and goals for you and your spouse as you strive to make your marriage dream possible.
*For more information on Dr. Kristen Wynns and her No Wimpy Parenting resources, please visit Nowimpyparenting.com. You can also email her directly at info@wynnsfamilypsychology.com.