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We’ve talked before about conflict, you can find our whole series here, but one of the most pivotal skills when managing couple conflict is the concept of a soft startup.
Its safe to say very few people enjoy an argument, especially in a marriage relationship. There are some arguments that are resolved and some that remain perpetual throughout the life of your relationship. But we will save that for another article on another day. Regardless of the nature of the conversation, a soft startup can create an environment of collaboration instead of competition.
So what is a soft startup?
Gentleness. Dr. Gottman talks about this concept in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He writes that a conversation will often end the way it begins. So if your argument begins with gentleness it will likely end with gentleness. The same is true of starting a conversation with an attitude or hostility. Lets try it this way, if you say to your partner, “I can’t believe you would say that to Ruth” what do you think is going to happen? Defensiveness…Contempt….Stonewalling, maybe? If you were to say, “I felt a little uncomfortable when you made that comment to Ruth, it seemed a little harsh,” do you think it would elicit the same response? Airing a complaint can be very tricky and walks that fine line of criticism and contempt, but when done with an attitude of grace and humility, it inspires connection and ownership. That’s what we all want, right? Many marriage theorists state that it is not good to harbor complaints and bad feelings. They exist, so if we store them up they have to come out somehow right? Then an eruption of hurt feelings, disappointment, and frustration come out, damaging everything in its path. Rather, bring them up organically, but gently.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started with a Soft Startup:
Recognize your heart rate, body language, and tone of voice.
Take a deep breath
Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge. Just keep it brief, maybe 3-5 sentences.
Make “I statements” instead of “You statements”
Be appreciative and gracious
It can be difficult to recognize when you are using Harsh Startup versus Soft Startup initially. It takes practice and is not always reciprocated in the way we desire. Encourage conversation between yourself and your partner about body language, tone of voice, and verbal language. How can you encourage and challenge each other in a way that is safe and uplifting?
If you find this concept to be difficult to implement on your own, as many couples do, counseling can be very helpful. Sometimes a referee or third party can objectively observe your struggle areas when it comes to communication. Reach out to a local practice or send us an email, we would love to help you out.