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It seems to be pretty common for many couples that there is just something missing from their marriage with feelings of dissatisfaction looming in the background. Differences in communication, expectations, interests and approaches to daily tasks can bring about this disunity and distance from your spouse. If one of you fills the sink with soapy water and lets the dishes soak before you hand wash them and the other lets the water run over the dishes as they are being washed, the end result in the same: clean dishes. The method however, can be a topic of conflict; “Why waste all that water just letting in run?” Or the other side of the argument, “Why let the dishes soak in dirty water?” The issue then becomes not the method but a force of will and thinking that your way is best, as well as the other person not truly hearing your view and finding value in it. The frustration of not being understood by your spouses can grow quickly into isolation and withdrawal, especially if there is no active initiative of combating these behaviors. So how do we find understanding and intimate connection with our spouse and fight the negativity that can pop up in the day to day? Two quick areas to address: 1) Communication 2) Quality Time
1. Communication
If you truly want to get to know someone on any level what do you do? Ask questions! Communication can be a huge area of conflict in marriage and sometimes is as simple as a lack of understanding or a miscommunication. Ask clarifying questions like, “What do you mean by that?” or “Can you say more about that to help me understand better?” to avoid assumptions and avoid an argument. Go a step further and take the initiative. Husbands, ask your wife what she thinks is important about any given topic,but especially how she feels about certain behaviors that may be causing conflict like: “Is it really ok that I tell that hilarious embarrassing story to our friends from a while back?” or insert other behavior that is taken for granted or annoying. Knowing your spouses true feelings about certain things can open up communication and correct hurtful or offensive behavior.
Also, make time to talk about the important things and make sure you are on the same page about parenting, future goals, finances, and the fun stuff too like vacations and time away from the business that life so graciously provides. Have a short but daily “check-in” time to talk about the days events! Thisis a great way to keep the connection going as well as having other times set aside regularly (weekly or monthly) where you can dedicate chunks of time (1 or 2+ hrs) to just being together and talking and listening to one another.
So why is talking even important? You can’t maintain a relationship with someone you don’t communicate with. Communication is a foundational aspect of being in relationship with others, so ensuring this piece is solid is something all couples should look into. Talking is a simple but effective tool to make sure you and your spouse stay connected.
2. Time Together
Another foundational aspect of marriage connection is good ol’ QT. This topic can be quite tricky at times with scheduling issues, interests, and willingness to participate. Knowing what your spouse likes to do is one thing, but finding things that you both like to do together is another more difficult task (for some). It is important that first you figure out what these things are and then try to implement them on a regular basis, as much as allowed. It is very easy to come up with a host of excuses of why NOT to do it (childcare, money, time) but when it comes down to it the priority must be your marriage. Prioritizing time together doesn’t seem like a huge deal but, in fact, studies show the more connecting activities couples do together, the healthier and happier they tend to be and the longer their marriages last.
And remember it is about quality, not quantity. No one is asking that you spend 3 hours every night cuddled together or taking expensive get-away vacations every month, that is simply not realistic. The idea is there is always something you look forward to doing with your spouse that involves the kind of quality that allows for a deeper emotional connection via fun activities, revisiting a meaningful spot or event from the past, or simply relaxing next to one another uninterrupted by technology, kids, or friends and family. And while you’re having this quality time, make sure you’re talking!
Being married can be one of the most difficult things about life but it can also be and should be one of the most fulfilling. Having someone to love you without condition in spite of all your failures and annoying behaviors is how we are meant to exist, in community with one another. And in order to do this successfully it is important that you remain connected; communicating and spending quality time are just two quick ways you can stay connected with your spouse. So now is the part where you get talking and start planning!