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After a month of indulgence, accumulation, and exhaustion, January is a beautiful month to practice self-control, minimizing, and rest. Therefore, I have been in a flurry of purging unnecessary items from my house. Which, of course, means I have been binging on Netflix’s newest show, Tidying Up. Fascinating really. My husband caught about 5 minutes of it and immediately hid my To Do list. No joke.
In all seriousness though, why do we accumulate so many things? How many of you have had an argument (or ten) with your partner about the dishes, or the laundry, or vacuuming? Don’t even get me started on cleaning the toilets. If we didn’t have so many things, would we still have the arguments? Are those arguments even about the things?
The answer is likely no. When I argue with my husband about (lets say hypothetically) the dirty dishes, am I really upset that there are dirty dishes? Maybe a little. But primarily, I get frustrated by the assumption that I have inherently more time to do them. Those pesky expectations get in the way of a harmonious, calm discussion about roles and household expectations. Right then and there, directly following this commentary on the hypothetical dirty dishes—there are two paths to take: 1. Stand your ground. 2. Address your need for help and household roles.
All those communication skills and conflict management tips and strategies come into play right here. This is prime real estate for addressing those expectations and hopes for your home, your lifestyle, and how to achieve all of that. Often, couples will create an “arrangement” early on in their relationship about household roles, chores, and processes. This is a great idea, until it stops working for you. Your relationship will go through different seasons of life, which requires a fresh look on those roles and chores. So, if your past structure isn’t working for you—back to the drawing board!
Here are a couple of suggestions to try out:
List all of the Must Items for daily/weekly/monthly tasks. Sit down with your partner and create a realistic action plan that serves one another and divvy’s up those tasks. Some people find it helpful to create a laminated list that can be checked off. Or a calendar with specific tasks for specific days. Whatever system is beneficial for you and your partner—run with it!
Identify strengths and weaknesses, then assign tasks that align with that. If your partner is really concerned with the state of toilets, then that person is in charge of toilets. Same goes for dishes, laundry, etc. However, at the same time, be mindful of what your partner values. Sacrifice and service is a huge part of a marriage, that concept applies here. If you partner loves a clean kitchen when they get home, and you happen to get home an hour before they do—perhaps this can be an easy way you can serve your partner daily. And if your partner does this for you—acknowledge it!
Draw items out of a hat. List all the items that need to happen through the week and randomly select. Perhaps redraw every month or two weeks, whatever you decide on.
Now, I do realize that these conversations touch on a host of larger issues—so if you find that you and your partner cannot have this conversation calmly and productively—seek out someone to help or try a series of “Time Outs” to regain your composure. Though this may be a difficult task for you, we firmly believe in the intimacy that conflict can bring to a marriage. Lean into it, try to understand your partner, and empathize with them. You can do this!