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Spending the holidays with families has the remarkable ability to promote self-reflection in our marriages as we notice two completely different worlds trying to coexist as one family. Watching the interaction of my head strong, opinionated family converse with my husband’s passive and agreeable family reminded me of the importance of humility. Just the other day I was having a casual conversation with my husband about which schools we wanted to put our children into. Unknowingly, I was engaging in the same head strong dialogue that I observed my mother doing just days before. I was more focused on making sure that my reasoning and views were understood that I did not take the time to make my husband feel his were. The ability to remain humble and place less focus on ourselves can sometimes get lost, especially during times of conversation with our partners. Too often we become so focused on our own agenda and making sure our views and needs are understood that we lose sight of our partners’.
One of the best ways to remain humble in any relationship is to convey understanding by tapping into some active listening and reflective communication skills. Maintaining modesty, acceptance and appreciation of your partner can enhance the way you communicate and understand one another. Whether something small and mundane, or important and serious, we ultimately desire to be heard and understood (and valued!) by our partners. It is easy at times to place the focus on ourselves in conversation to make sure our opinion, perspective, or view is heard, and neglect our reflective communication skills.
Pairing humility with active listening can allow us to put our own motives aside, to understand and appreciate our partners. When two people feel that they are being understood and validated, it can have profound impacts on the direction and quality of conversation. Meaning, it increases your satisfaction with your partner as you are mutually validating each other—because who doesn’t love a little affirmation?
Some ways to incorporate humility and active listening:
Acknowledge the other person and make them feel understood using the reflective listening skill. Paraphrasing what the other person has said shows we are listening and understand. It also allows for the person to correct us if our interpretation of what they are conveying is incorrect. It could start with something like, “What I hear you say is…” or “You believe/think/feel….”
Ask questions! A great way to be humble in our relationships is to ask questions when our partners are speaking with us. This shows them that not only are we interested in what they are saying, but that we are engaged and would like to know more. This could look like “When you say….do you mean…?” or ask a follow up question in place of your own opinion.
Focusing on ourselves less. This is one of the more difficult ones at time. I want to emphasize that this does not mean sacrificing your own needs, passions or interests for that of your partners. It is however thinking about what the other person wants or needs during conversation and placing less of a focus on our own agenda in order to best understand theirs.
The more you practice immersing yourself into a conversation where you can actively listen, reflect and validate your partner, the better you will be able to understand their needs. It takes the focus away from ourselves and shows our partner that we are committed to their needs just as much as our own, facilitating a humble marriage.