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2018 was the year for weddings in my household. It seemed every time we turned around, there was another wedding, shower, or bachelorette to plan for. Not that I’m complaining—the newlywed, young love stage is so much fun to be around and to support. Watching our loved ones prepare for their big day is a sweet, sweet memory to be a part of. However, it does make me wonder, are we ever really ready to get married? Is it possible to cross all our T’s and dot all our I’s before walking down that aisle? I remember when my husband and I were preparing to get married—we had talked about kids, where we wanted to live, and our long term goals. We felt prepared and ready to embark on this journey called marriage; but yet, we still had struggles and fights.
So, with Valentine’s Day being tomorrow, and a speculated 1 million individuals getting engaged, it seems prime opportunity to propose a different kind of preparation, one that prepares you for the day-to-day, rather than the next ten years.
It is interesting, when you google, “How to prepare for your wedding” and “How to prepare for your marriage” you get vastly different results. The first focuses on the event planning aspect of the “big day”, as it should. But the latter produces results about cultivating a long-lasting relationship. This intrigues me, as a marriage begins with a wedding, and a wedding notates the start of a marriage. So where does a couple start? Amidst the craziness and stress of wedding, how can you start to prepare for the day-to-day of your lifelong relationship?
Ask questions. Lots of questions. And keep an open mind.
1. How do you plan to handle the holidays.
One of the top things newlyweds fight about is how to navigate the obligations of the holidays. Who will you stay with? Will you travel? Real or fake tree (real, duh!)? Presents for every.single.person.on.the.planet?
2. What kind of social life will you have?
When you are single, or even living separately before your wedding day, you may lead separate social lives. Interweaving lives also means combining social calendars. How often do you want to host people, go out to eat, and/or spend time with friends? If your partner is not as introverted/extroverted as you are, this can be a real challenge in your household. Discuss those desires and expectations early on.
3. How do you plan to eat?
Are you planning to eat out most meals, meal plan for the week, or decide spur of the moment for each meal? There is no right or wrong answer here, but depending on your upbringing, you may have a very different answer than your partner. Even if you both agree to grocery shop each week, take some time to agree on a grocery budget of some sort.
4. Who will do the household chores?
As I type this, images of Mrs. Doubtfire are circling in my head. Chores hold great power over the atmosphere of a relationship. I can’t tell you how many couples sit in my office and argue over who does more for the house. Even in my own household, we may argue over who did the dishes last, a seemingly trifle argument. Have this conversation before it becomes a point of contention, who will do what? How often will it be done?
If you are wondering where to begin with these conversations, try writing out your perspective on each of these topics and have your partner do the same. Compare notes—identify differences and similarities. This will be the start of your conversation. Some people wish to create a plan at the start and other like to keep it loose. You make the rules for your relationship.
Happy Valentines Day!