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You know that old adage, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”? Some may retort with “Out of sight, out of mind” or a similar contradictory phrase. Whatever it may be, likely everyone would agree that maintaining a relationship where one partner is often gone is difficult, at best. There is a growing demographic of couples that have to spend days apart, for various reasons. Whether you (or your partner) travel consistently for work, are deployed, taking care of a relative, the list goes on...there are inherent challenges to keeping the spark alive in your marriage.
We get it. After a week of solo parenting or attending back-to-back meetings, creatively connecting with your spouse may not be at the top of the list. However, many couples who fall in this category often report feeling lonely and resentful of their partner. Or report a routine is built while separated and the transition between travel and home becomes challenging for the household, causing awkwardness and frustration. So, what to do? How can you set your marriage up for success during this season?
Be Open and Honest.
It is always helpful to be clear about the details. What do you need from your partner to feel connected throughout the week? Rather than switching to pure survival while your partner is gone, invite them into your stress and turn towards each other. Dr. John Gottman writes about this concept often, citing it as a critical component to a thriving marriage. Lean into each other and share in the mundane, daily tasks. If this travel is not working for you, be honest with your partner about it. Perhaps you can brainstorm resources and supports available to you both, or you can revisit how to structure the travel within the week. Whatever the solution may be, it begins with an honest (yet gentle!) conversation.
Do Things Together, Separately
Though it may sound like a paradox, you can still participate in couples activities while apart. Try reading a book together or listening to the same podcast during this separation. If books aren’t your thing, try a new workout routine, or watch the same Netflix show. Tap into those shared hobbies you have bonded over and you will have plenty of things to talk about during your daily conversations.
Connect. Connect. Connect.
This is a good time to brush up on your Love Languages—how does your partner best feel loved? Now define that Love Language in light of having physical distance between the two of you. Here are some suggestions for you:
Words of Affirmation: Quality over quantity! Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. How do they make you laugh? Touch on those characteristics that make your partner sexy to you. Express your thankfulness for all your partner does while not together. Whatever category you wish to discuss, share it with them consistently.
Physical Touch: While this may be one of the more difficult love languages to support while at a distance, even FaceTime can tap into this Love Language when proximity is an issue. Or have a standing date that occurs every weekend when your partner returns. Remember, this language is not all about sex! Find some time to snuggle by the fire or hold hands in the grocery store.
Acts of Service: What can you do to serve your partner while they are away? Perhaps packing a favorite snack into her bag, or putting gas in his car. Or make their favorite meal. Little ways to show affection as they are leaving (or returning to) town can leave a lingering impact.
Gift Giving: Think small. Flowers, love notes, a new coffee mug can be a small way to remind your partner that you are thinking them. Sneak something into their suitcase that they can find when they reach their final destination. Arrange for a cup of coffee to be delivered to their hotel room in the morning. Your items don’t have to break the bank, they can be a spark of connection despite the distance.
Quality Time: Consistency is key here. Find a consistent time to talk every day while you are apart. Though some days you may feel too tired and think there is nothing interesting to say, that habit of connecting is critical to warding off loneliness and resentment. Think about it—when you are both at home, you have that time lying in bed together, eating meals together, or riding in the car somewhere. So it may mean staying up 10 minutes later, or ducking out for a few minutes during a business dinner, but make it a priority to connect each and every day.