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Sometimes it seems like in-laws get the bad rap. Whether they are the parents of the husband or wife, they always seem to take the brunt of the joke about visiting in-laws, hosting in-laws, etc. BUT! We believe that the in-law relationship can be so special and a blessing to a family and marriage! So, we wanted to write an open letter to all in-laws, empowering you to have the best quality relationship with your sons and daughters while navigating some of the inherent challenges that comes with, you know, life.
First and foremost, it seems important to define the role of the in-law relationship. I was sitting around a kitchen with some of my dear friends recently, and we began discussing how our own mothers and mothers-in-law interact with us and/or our husbands. It was fascinating to hear all the different stories—some glowing and some frustrating. However, there seemed to be a recurring theme. It is challenging to overcome the nuances of a relationship with another individual. Yes, as simple as that. An in-law is another individual, who is a part of your family, therefore there will inevitably be conflict. So what do we do with that?
Jesus tells us in Matthew 19:5, “…Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh…” He tells us that we leave our parents to join with our spouse. Then continues to say in verse 6, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” So when your child leaves your care and joins with his/her spouse, they become one. They are a team. But then, there’s the caution—"let not man separate.” This leads me to point number 1.
1. Don’t ever, ever, ever take sides.
For some, this may seem easy. For others, this seems counterintuitive to being a parent. I mean, think of all the bullies you have defended your child from, teachers you have advocated with, and college acceptance boards you have prayed over—you have been your child’s warrior! In this season of life, going to bat for just your child in an already difficult situation, probably makes it harder. Lets go back up to the verse—“…they are no longer two but one flesh…” Let those years of experience of support now refocus. You are the advocate and supporter and prayer warrior for your child’s marriage. They are two in one, you take the side of the marriage. If your son or daughter is coming to you to vent about an argument or back-up their viewpoint, challenge them to turn towards their partner and operate within their marriage. Because let’s face it, you will always be biased towards your child. And taking their side will be fuel on the divisive fire.
2. Advice-giving & Mentorship
On that note of taking sides, it seems intuitive to talk about mentorship and advice-giving. Let me be clear. You have wisdom and life experience to offer to your children. You likely have relationship experience, whether positive or negative, which could be helpful for others to learn from. However, it is so important for your children to seek the advice of outside sources, unbiased sources, to pour into their marriage. Going back to point #1, because of your inherent bias towards your child, you cannot guarantee neutrality, and naturally could fall into emotional shortsightedness, based on your vast knowledge of your child. It is critical that their young (or old) marriage seek out a marriage mentor or marriage therapist if they are undergoing difficulties in their relationship. And further, if they do not come to you for advice, do not take it personally.
3. Expectations
Okay, we all have expectations. We all have hopes and dreams. Combining those with—what did I say—overcoming the nuances of a relationship with another individual can create conflict. I get it. You love your holiday traditions, grandparent name ideas, and rituals of connection. But remember—this other individual comes with holiday traditions, name ideas, and ways to connect. Your child and their partner have to navigate these challenges too—what a beautiful thing if you can extend some grace and allow them to identify their little family’s path, without that helping of parent pleasing and guilt. Your children love you. Period. Be honest with yourself about your expectations as the in-law, as the grandparent. You will then be able to evaluate those expectations and deliver them with loving patience, because you matter too. But at the end of the day, their decisions probably aren’t about you.
So here is how I want to leave it—because you are important in the lives of your children—both from your nuclear family and those added by marriage. Paul writes to us in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” Continue to be that warrior for your child, by battling for their marriage. Encourage them, pray for them, just as you have been doing. We couldn’t do this life without you.