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The term “transactional love” sounds harsh. And in the context of marriage, so do words like “scorekeeping” and “quid pro quo.” But those are exactly the behavioral patterns that we find ourselves in much too often in intimate relationships. In fact, theorists William Lederer and Don Jackson once even advocated for a quid pro quo marriage as a sign of a healthy relationship. This has since been proven incorrect, and it is not hard to see why.
The minute we begin keeping tally in our minds of how many times we have gone out of our ways to love our spouses and how many times our spouses have failed to love us in return, we become little more than bitter referees who better resemble toddlers in the midst of sibling rivalry than mature spouses in a loving relationship. This should not be. And cannot be if our goal is a happy, fulfilling, and lasting marriage.
The reality is, it’s natural to keep score. That’s why young children engage in this kind of social interaction (think of how many times you have heard statements like “He started it!” or “I’ll say sorry if she says sorry first!” whether coming from your own children or others you’ve heard around you). Going deeper still, it’s an effective defense mechanism meant to protect us from getting emotionally wounded by those who know and love us best. The problem is, it does more damage than good, though often before we can recognize this in our own relationships. We may successfully defend ourselves against a potentially freeloading spouse and being treated unfairly, but we also simultaneously compromise trust and circumvent great intimacy.
The act and ceremony of marriage reveals much about the path to true marital happiness and fulfillment. It is a joining of two people who pledge to love and care for one another until death parts them. It is a sacrificial, forever commitment that is too often cheapened by the media and evidenced still by the current staggering divorce rate. However, marriage was always meant to be based on real love and commitment – patient, self-sacrificing, respectful, always trusting and hoping, keeping no record of wrongs. When these aspects of love in a marriage relationship are put into practice amid the ups and downs of everyday life, it invites a beautiful vulnerability that then gives way to mutual effort and deep connection.
There are many circumstances in this life that can quite legitimately cause us to lose faith and trust in our partners. This is the reality in which we live. But the other reality, just as strong and true as the first, is that change is possible. The human heart is vulnerable in many ways, for better or for worse, but it is also intensely resilient. If you are willing to take a step toward your spouse, even if he or she is not currently mutually willing, you have the opportunity to choose love over safety. In truth, with real love comes great safety, but to achieve it we must risk the present security we find in our own self-defense strategies. Love in words and in action, expecting nothing, hoping for everything. I won’t pretend this is an easy task – far from it. I can tell you that when you throw out the scoreboard and commit to other-focused, self-sacrificial, unconditional love, you will begin to become the spouse that you want and you will begin to create an environment in which your spouse, too, desires change.