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I can remember catching up with a particularly stressed-out mom not so long ago, and we were swapping stories of motherhood with its distinct challenges. It was a wonderful time of mutual encouragement, but then she said something that struck me as truly disheartening. I saw for the first time how truly alone she felt, and I suddenly realized that my friend represented the plight of many mothers across 21st century America today. Motherhood can be joyous and rewarding, but it can also be terribly isolating.
Who will bear the brunt of childrearing, or whether it will be equal, is usually not a matter of fairness, but rather of role expectations (based on personal values and societal norms) and of intentionality in our daily lives. Having a child is a drastic enough adjustment in a family even without the added nuances of unspoken, and often unmet, expectations of motherhood and fatherhood. Just as the preparation part of marriage is often overlooked or overshadowed by wedding plans and honeymoons, so the emotional and practical preparation of parenthood is often overlooked or overshadowed by the excitement of new life, baby showers, and decorating a Pinterest-perfect nursery. The problem is, parenthood is a huge adjustment, and, if not approached with care and purpose, can put an unnecessary strain on a marriage. As expectations go unmet, disappointment ensues, communication decreases, and resentment builds. Can you envision the cycle here? This is a recipe for stress and conflict and discontent.
Going back to my original story, the comment that my friend made was this [names changed for privacy]: “Bob put [18 month-old] Sally to sleep all by himself for the first time last night!” While this may at first glance sound like a good thing, the discouraging part of this comment was that, for 18 months, my friend took on the sole responsibility of putting their child to bed every single night. Certainly, this was not the only reason she was stressed out and exhausted, but it was an important factor, and it was a reflection of the fact that she did assume the vast majority of childrearing tasks in her home. As I explored more with this friend, I found out that, like many women, she struggled to let go of the control she felt she needed to have over daily routines. This is a common scenario that I see often – both personally and professionally. The unspoken expectation is that the woman is the expert childrearer, which leads her to assume control over most tasks from feeding to correct diaper change procedures to discipline techniques. This can then lead to criticism when dad tries to “pitch in.” What if he doesn’t swaddle the right way? Or sing her favorite song? Or put the right diaper cream on? What if - God forbid - he uses the WRONG BOTTLE? Okay – enough sarcasm for now, but my point is this: you and your spouse will inevitably parent your child differently (moms and dads are different!), and that is acceptable.
The problem is, the more women fight to maintain this control and the longer they lack the awareness that they are doing this, the more men will feel inadvertently criticized in their parenting skills. This often leads to dads backing off even more (who wants to be criticized every time you try to help out?), which then leads to moms feeling even more lonely and resentful (again, lack of awareness of what is happening). The end result is what I found in talking with my friend: a tired and anxious mother who felt very much alone in the world. This need not be so!
Let’s get down to the practical stuff.
To moms:
Stop micromanaging. You are in this together with your partner. The more you include him, the easier you make your own job. Stop trying to do it all on your own. No one is trying to take your title of “mom” away from you, and there is no prize given for the most self-sufficient mom out there anyway. You will not lose anything by enlisting help. Instead you will gain a (probably) very willing teammate! Stop worrying about baby when dad is in charge – he’s a pretty smart guy and, other than you, no one loves that baby more than him. So let him be a dad – his way. This could mean dad is in charge of bath time or bedtime. If you’re bottle feeding, he could take turns with nighttime feedings. It could mean that once a week, you get to leave the house to do something for you – sans baby strapped to your chest. Try something new this week. It’s not too late, and you just might like the idea of having a teammate you can rely on.
To dads:
Be assertive in your role as husband and dad. Sometimes, this might mean gently reminding an angry mama bear that you are an equal parent and would like a chance to prove it once in a while. This serves two purposes: you get to bond with your baby your own way and begin building that relationship early on, and you get to serve your wife by giving her some much-needed time to herself. Don’t back off at the first sign that mom is trying to micromanage you – it is both instinct and an unspoken societal expectation for her. Try to recognize this, even if she can’t, and open up a dialogue about it (remember - timing is everything here). Find parenting activities that you can take ownership of, read those books your wife has probably been pouring over since she found out she was pregnant, and remain engaged. The worst thing you can do is distance yourself from your wife and baby, as much as that might seem like the very thing she wants. Because we need you, dads. You are an invaluable and integral part of child rearing. And I’ll say this, even if your wife isn’t ready to yet: we can’t do this without you.
While we’re reclaiming marriage from historical and societal norms and expectations, let’s go ahead and reclaim parenthood too. Cheers to your team and to the joys of parenting!