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Nervous Nelly? Control freak? Worrywort? Can anyone else relate to being labeled a “worrier”? Sometimes, though, these silly nicknames are just a front for a deeper and much more pervasive problem, and one that can have significant impact in the marriage and the family as a whole. Anxiety is one of those issues that is just too prevalent to be ignored or made light of. In fact, according to this survey conducted by the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 31.1% of U.S. adults suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. While everyone’s experience is different, if you’ve ever faced the racing thoughts, constant worry, irrational panic, restlessness, or unexplained irritability, you are not alone. And if you struggle to explain this to your spouse in a comprehensible way, you are also not alone. It’s difficult to put into words. But this lack of proper explanation and understanding can lead to an even greater problem: a rift in your relationship that grows with your anxiety.
Your marriage relationship can be one of the most valuable resources at your disposal, whether you are the anxious spouse or the supporting spouse. And it is in your best interest to find out how, because, according to a study done by Dr. John Gottman and colleague Janice Driver, the more an anxious spouse perceives the other as helpful and supportive during times of high anxiety, the higher the overall relationship satisfaction rating will likely be. Unfortunately the inverse is also true – avoiding the issue is more likely to lead to depression over the long term and an elevation of shared stress. Bottom line: your marriage is vital to the treatment of your anxiety, but you must be willing to grab the lifeline!
So then how do we deal with the anxiety? It requires both partners to step up, but each of you will play a different role.
For the partner suffering from anxiety:
1. Express your feelings, and ask for what you need.
Holding your thoughts and feelings in just creates more barriers and increases anxiety. Acknowledge what you are feeling and approach your partner with gentleness, before the anxiety has time to spiral out of control.
2. Be present.
Anxiety is rarely about what is happening right now, but rather it focuses on what has already happened or what may happen in the future. Grounding techniques (like focusing on your 5 senses – name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, etc.) can be helpful to pull you back to the present moment. This can often enable you then to remember the impermanence of both emotions and circumstances, and to persevere.
3. Practice being mindful and choose to focus on the positives.
It takes practice to be able to benefit from mindfulness, but it can truly help to put things in perspective. Choosing on a daily, sometimes an hourly, basis to focus on what you are grateful for can be a wonderfully refreshing way to gain a new outlook on life and to reevaluate what matters the most. For me, the best way to do this is to be in prayer, to meditate on key Bible passages, and to remember God’s faithful promises. After all, He is the One who truly is in control of all things. “I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears” – Psalm 34:4.
4. Remember that you are not a victim and that your anxiety does not define you.
It may feel like anxiety rules you right now, but the more you can externalize the problem, the more in-control you will feel. You may not be able to control the people or circumstances around you, but you can control yourself. Name your anxiety, understand it, and monitor it, but never succumb to the belief that it is who you are. You are a victor, not a victim.
5. Seek out professional help when needed.
Resist the cultural pressure to feel shame in asking for help. Focus on the benefits of gaining the insight, tools, and support you need to go to battle – and win! And never forget that, regardless of what society ignorantly declares, asking for help is a sign of courage because you have found the strength to admit your weaknesses and do something about it.
For the partner of someone suffering from anxiety:
1. Recognize that you will not always understand your partner’s experience. Admit this.
It can be exceedingly frustrating when you are faced with someone else’s seemingly irrational fears. You may never fully understand, but this does not mean that you cannot empathize.
2. Don’t assume you are always the source of your partner’s anxiety.
Do not be afraid to ask your partner what he/she needs, but don’t take his/her feelings personally. It’s not always about you.
3. Resist the urge to be a “fixer.”
It is imperative that you strive for understanding before attempting to problem solve. Otherwise, you may end up conveying the message that a) there is a specified problem and therefore a rational solution and b) your partner is incapable of problem solving for him/herself. Be present. Listen. Sometimes that is all that is needed.
4. Encourage treatment.
Be your spouse’s biggest advocate and support in seeking help to treat the anxiety. Be an active part in his/her journey.
5Practice good self-care.
If you are not taking care of yourself in the midst of your partner’s stress and worry, you will not have much to give in the way of support and encouragement when your partner needs it most. Find healthy ways to de-stress, spend time with friends and loved ones, and pray – for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage – during this trying time.
Once again, this requires you to be a team. No one exists in a vacuum, so do not live your life as if you do. Together you must recognize the problem, understand it, then address it – in that order. While you may be predisposed to anxiety or experiencing some difficult circumstances that exacerbate it, you are not a slave to it. If you feel hopeless or discouraged, remember not to believe everything you feel, or think.