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When we think of reasons for divorcing, many of us immediately think of infidelity or other relationship traumas. But, according to Dr. John Gottman, the most prevalent reason couples divorce is disconnection, a gradual eroding of emotional intimacy and engagement. It may be easy to attribute this kind of devastating disengagement to lack of effort or poor choice of mate, but, in reality, this subtle danger often lurks behind many normal family and relationship transitions such as career changes, relocations, parenthood, empty nesting, and various other trials of life. Nevertheless, the danger lies not in these life events themselves, but rather in our responses to them. Will we choose apathy or intentionality?
While in the early stages of marriage, many couples enjoy much free time with little to hinder them from being spontaneous and adventurous. Connection can seem effortless and time spent together is focused on the couple and their dreams and visions for their future together. Think about it for a moment. How did you used to connect when you were younger and seemed to have many fewer worries and responsibilities? Did you make time to talk (I mean really talk – not just about kids or finances or in-laws)? Did you go on dates? Did you go to bed at the same time because cuddling and catching up at night was the highlight of your day? Did you have favorite traditions? Somehow though, for many of us, those days often seem like distant and fading memories. But how does this happen, and why?
Enter in a difficult life circumstance like a forced job change or family illness. Or even a happy life change – like the birth of a child. Suddenly the focus has shifted, and yet this change often goes unnoticed. We go into survival mode, often at the expense of our most intimate relationships. Going to bed at the same time is disrupted by sleep training or career deadlines. Spontaneous adventures become “too much work” – and when you factor in finances, childcare you can trust, work obligations, and decisions about where and when and how to go, it does begin to make more sense just to stay home. Other situations or tragedies, like an illness or death in the family, bring stress of their own which inevitably bleeds over into the marriage relationship. Most of these things are very much outside of our control, but that is exactly the point. We cannot avoid the trials of life in a broken world. Life happens. But we can choose to live more intentionally with our spouses so that we do not find ourselves living parallel lives in the same home – more roommates than lovers. You may not have the free time you once had pre-kids or pre-high stakes career or pre- (enter in any other major life event or transition), but don’t let this be the reason your marriage slowly fades into the background. You choose how to spend your time. It just may be time to re-prioritize.
We live in a culture that does not place priority on the marriage relationship – rather the focus is on the self, the career, the family of origin, or the kids. Unfortunately, these societal trends and messages can be devastating for marriages – “You have to provide for your family, so career must come first – You must succeed no matter what it takes.” “If you don’t put your kids first in everything, you’re not a good mom.” “You’re not in love anymore? Go find happiness somewhere else – you deserve it!” I think it is about time we stopped listening to these farcical tales and started fighting for what is truly worth fighting for – a fulfilling marriage. It is possible, despite what statistics and Hollywood may tell you. The secret lies in priorities and intentionality.
What is stopping you from reinstating some of these earlier connection rituals you used to cherish with your spouse? Granted, some might have to be tweaked a bit to fit your family’s current needs, but the idea is to try something. Don’t let your relationship succumb to the entropic forces that inflate the divorce statistic. Be purposeful, be flexible, be determined. And do it today!
For further reading, check out these recommended reads:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman, Ph.D.
The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties – William J. Doherty, Ph.D.