Connecting through Conflict: Part 2

Sometimes, blaming just feels safer. Like Lauren mentioned in the intro post to this series, behind many a conflict are vulnerable emotions that we often think in the moment are best left hidden behind facades of anger, blame, and – here’s the VIP of conflict instigators – criticism. When we blame and criticize, we not only don’t have to take ownership of our own real emotions in the moment but we also don’t have to take responsibility for the outcome of the argument. After all, it’s all his (or her) fault!

It comes in many shapes and sizes, but we all tend to have our own style of criticism that comes out in our uglier moments. It may come in the form of “always” and “never” statements – i.e. “You are always late!” or “You never get chores done on time.” It could come in the form of sarcasm – i.e. “This room is a mess – what am I, your maid?” or “Thanks for doing the dishes once in a while” (knowing full well the sink is full of dirty dishes). It could also be non-verbal (a powerful but often underestimated form of communication) – an eye roll or flippant gesture. Notice that all of these forms of criticism take on a global quality. No longer are we talking about a specific action or situation, but rather a flawed character trait of some kind. When we begin to target the person rather than the behavior, we find ourselves in a world of trouble.

Now for what Dr. Gottman calls the “antidote” for this poisonous relationship element (you can read more about the “antidotes” to the 4 Horsemen here). The answer is simple, and definitely easier said than done, but significant and essential to a thriving marriage nonetheless. The key is gentleness. And more specifically, a soft approach from the very beginning of an interaction with your spouse. One way to start gently is to focus on your needs and feelings in the moment. Stay on topic and stick to the situation at hand. For example, instead of “It would be nice if you would get off your phone when I’m talking. You never listen to me,” a gentler way of approaching this issue might be to express what you’re really feeling: “I feel unloved when you look at your phone when I’m trying to talk to you. I need you to show me that you care about what I have to say.” Though not foolproof, it is much harder to react negatively to your spouse’s vulnerability and soft approach than to his or her angry, and perhaps unprecedented, reproof. Perhaps this is why James emphasizes this important quality in his epistle: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20, ESV). In his research, Gottman found that 96% of the time, he could predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of an interaction. This could be a game changer, folks.

Of course, there will always be conflict in marriage – it is inevitable. But the lie that our world and culture is trying to feed us is that it is bad and drives a wedge between two people. This need not be the case! Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, whom Lauren mentioned in her last post, wisely noted that “conflict is the price we pay in marriage for a deeper sense of intimacy as a couple.” By expressing your needs in a positive and gentle way, you can address problems more respectfully and solve them more effectively. In a nutshell - own your feelings, be willing to be vulnerable, and complain without blame.