Connecting Through Conflict: Part 4

Now that we know the antidote for defensiveness in marriage (taking responsibility for your part), it’s important to point out that one thing spouses often struggle to take responsibility for is accepting influence from one another. Simply put, this means showing a basic respect for another’s perspective without becoming defensive or escalating negativity; it means knowing and caring for your spouse enough to give him or her the benefit of the doubt even when your instinct tells you to fight back. It’s human nature to want to be right, to take offense at correction, and to feel entitled. However when we stubbornly insist on our own way and/or indifferently dismiss our spouses’, over time the result is usually disastrous.

Like Lauren mentioned in Part 3 of this series, defensiveness only escalates a disagreement. But sometimes the underlying root of defensiveness is insecurity. It is a reluctance to hear and understand what your partner feels and needs in the moment (accepting influence) because your own sense of being in control feels threatened. Belligerence and stonewalling often follow because when you’re feeling misunderstood and entitled to your own anger and resentment, it feels quite natural to “go to your corner” and refuse to budge. You can see how the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse (you can review these here) seem to follow on each other’s heels. In a very real sense, then, a refusal to accept influence from your spouse can very quickly put your marriage on the fast track to unhappiness and divorce. On the other hand, a spouse who is able to listen to a partner’s complaint with patience and understanding conveys respect and admiration for the partner and for the marriage.

What we’re striving for here is an emotionally intelligent marriage marked by deep respect, appreciation, and love for one’s spouse. Whether your spouse is bringing a complaint, wants to address a serious issue, or is simply wanting you to share in his or her world, taking the time to respond with love and respect is a surefire way to defend against divorce and to help your marriage thrive in the day-to-day.

So then, practically speaking, how can we go about creating an emotionally intelligent marriage that appears to have great potential in transforming our marriages and our society at large? Here are some tips:

1. Reevaluate your priorities

If your hierarchy of priorities can be listed as Work -> Kids -> Marriage, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Further, in order to be honest with yourself about what your priorities truly are, you cannot answer with what you wish were true. Denial is no one’s friend. Look at where you invest your time and look at the quality of your relationships – you will soon find your answer, whether it is what you wanted to discover or not. It will take time, but if you can flip that hierarchy on its head, you will be well on your way to experiencing a more fulfilling life for yourself and for your family.

2. Be willing to be influenced by your spouse

Be humble enough to realize when your own desire for power and control is getting in the way of a happy marriage. Accepting influence does not mean being a doormat or even in any way passive. It just means giving as much respect and honor to your spouse as you expect to receive from your spouse. The more influence you accept, the more influence you will have as a beloved and honored spouse and parent.

3. Yield to win

If, in your heart of hearts, you seek a strong and thriving marriage, then it is important that you are willing to yield some smaller battles that seem to chip away at your pride or insult your common sense in order to gain what you truly desire. This could be as simple as making sure toilet seat is down before you leave the bathroom or keeping the new car clean and tidy. Know what your partner needs (if you don’t know, ask!), and follow through even if it means swallowing your pride or doesn’t make complete sense to you in the moment.

4. Enter into your partner’s world

Take time to know your spouse, admire him/her privately and publicly, and actively give and receive love and acknowledgement on a daily basis. Honor each other’s dreams, desires, and needs. Verbalize pride in his or her accomplishments, and be his or her biggest cheerleader. Women, when your husband builds a new shelf in the den and calls you in to look at it – don’t glance at it and tell him that the shelves are uneven. Admire his handiwork and appreciate the time he took to build you your new shelf! Men, when your wife brings home newborn baby clothes and she wants to show you – don’t dismiss her because you couldn’t care less about what the new baby is going to wear home from the hospital. Admire her selections with her, appreciate how much she is enjoying preparing for motherhood, and allow yourself to rejoice with her.

“For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted” (Luke 14:11). Do your part to be the spouse you wish your spouse would be. In the end, this is the only thing you can truly control.

Challenge: Take this quiz to see how you and your spouse are doing at accepting each other’s influence.