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With Autumn in full swing and every Autumn lover shamelessly indulging in all things pumpkin spice (guilty as charged), it just seems like a good time to talk about relationship seasons. Or maybe it’s because October seems to be the new June of wedding season? Either way, we all know that every marriage goes through seasons. Some are mundane, and some are momentous. Some leave us gasping for our very breath, and some make us feel like we are walking on air. Some make us stronger, and some leave us limping, forever changed. While we cannot always choose our circumstances, we can choose how we respond to them. Yes, this is of course easier said than done. But just because something is gut-wrenchingly difficult does not automatically mean it is not worth it.
One season, or event, in particular that seems to have an uncanny ability to send a healthy marriage spiraling (or at least threaten to take it for a wild ride) is the birth of a baby. While the birth of a couple’s first child is an exceptionally difficult adjustment, the arrival of any new human into a family can cause great upheaval and requires some seriously fancy footwork to keep the marriage thriving. After all, marriage is like a beautiful dance, but when the music suddenly changes (whether expected or not), both partners have to be ready to adapt – together.
The key word here is together. As a new mom myself, I can vouch for Dr. John Gottman’s observation that a new mother is, in a large sense, automatically ushered into a new and infinitely significant role as the nourisher of this tiny human being. This is true whether it is baby #1 or baby #10. However, this physical, psychological, and spiritual change is not as automatic for the father. As involved as he may be prepared to be in his new role, he will not feel as bonded to his child as quickly as his wife, who has carried the baby for 9 months in her womb and who now nourishes him from her breast. A common cause for the decline most (yes – most!) couples report in marital satisfaction after the birth of a baby is this lack of “togetherness,” where the father gets left behind and neither parent notices or neither parent knows what to do about it. It’s quite easy for a new (or not-so-new) father to watch his wife caring for and bonding with the baby and to feel like he has not only lost his wife for the time being (as all her attention is focused on the child(ren)) but also like he has lost his sense of purpose in the home. This indeed puts an inordinate amount of strain on a marriage.
The reality is that your life has changed. No use wishing you could go back to “the good old days” of uninterrupted sleep and unlimited alone time. Beginning the journey of parenthood and keeping your marriage healthy at the same time is not easy, but your marriage and your new family are worth the extra blood, sweat, and tears you will shed in the coming years. So, here are some tips to help guide you on your journey, from both my professional knowledge and personal experience:
- Don’t live in the past. Embrace your current circumstances, as difficult as they might be (this does not always mean rejoicing in them, but rather accepting them because you cannot change them), and choose to adapt together as a couple. Don’t wait to “adjust to parenthood” before you act like a married couple again. Take a bubble bath together, take a walk, give massages, go on a date (and leave baby behind – gasp!). Find ways to connect as married parents. After all, you don’t want to step away from the dance floor just as the music is getting good.
- Leave no man behind!
Moms, share your experience with your husband and keep him in the loop. Put words to your feelings in this special time, and in a very real sense, share the love! One simple way to do this might be letting him give the baby a bottle so that he too can share in nourishing the baby in a very literal sense. Dads, explore and process your own experience of becoming a parent – it may not seem like it has the same physical and psychological significance as your wife’s experience, but that does not make it any less important. Remember that you are entering this new stage of life together, so stay on beat. Be open, keep talking, and give each other lots of grace.
- Be a team player.
A new mom can unknowingly exacerbate her husband’s already fragile sense of competence and purpose by criticizing the way her husband cares for the baby. Let him figure out how to be a dad and encourage him along the way. This will give new dads the courage they need to step up and be helpful and supportive partners. Now that the baby is out of the womb, the playing field has been leveled (to a large degree), so treat each other as equal partners in parenting.
- Make a plan for intimacy.
The natural break in physical intimacy after a baby is a struggle for most couples, and in particular husbands. The best advice I can give you in regards to this sensitive topic is make a plan before the baby comes (as best you can), and then keep the conversation open. The standard 6 week timeframe given for physical healing is not always enough, and it is hardly ever enough time for a woman to be mentally and emotionally ready for intercourse. However I cannot emphasize enough that dialogue is paramount. It is imperative that you talk about sex – before and after baby arrives. Don’t let your discomfort or fear of awkwardness keep you from discussing such an important part of your marriage, and one that WILL be affected by your child’s birth. Here are some good questions to consider, and, while far from an exhaustive list, they will hopefully open up the conversation:
What are your expectations for sex after baby?
What will be the hardest part of abstaining after baby for you?
What is your definition of intimacy?
What has been your best/worst experience of parenthood so far?
What are some ways I can love you other than sex?
How will we decide that it is the right time to resume lovemaking?
Baby season may not always be as cozy or as welcome as pumpkin spice season, but when you’re prepared to weather it together, it can be one of the most exhilarating seasons you’ll ever experience.
Helpful Resources:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman, Ph.D.
And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives – John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/new-parents-listen-passion-parenting-can-co-exist/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/golden-rule-for-new-parents-that-keeps-romance-alive/