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With the year’s most festive holidays right around the corner, it’s a good idea to start thinking about how you can make this season what you want it to be. Too often we allow ourselves to be swept along in the rush of shopping and cooking and traveling, motivated to stay afloat and go with the flow by cultural norms, demanding family members, or self-imposed guilt. You may even be at the point where you dread this time of year because all it means is extra work and added stress – maybe for you, the “most wonderful time of the year” (I won’t lie – I do love Christmas music!) is anything but. Even if the holidays bring you nothing but pure joy, it can be easy in the midst of it all to let your marriage take a backseat. No one can deny that this time of year is busy and there are a million excuses for priorities gone awry, but I would like to invite you this 2018 holiday season to be radically intentional about how you celebrate.
Before we jump into practical ideas for creating deeper connection and meaningful holiday traditions (we’ll get there, I promise!), it’s important to keep in mind some foundational relationship principles. The first is reevaluating priorities. None of the below ideas will have any effect on your marriage if you do not first decide together to make time for them. Further, if your goal is to make one or more of them a holiday ritual, you must make time for them consistently (Merriam Webster defines a ritual as a “series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner”.) And I strongly encourage you to do this, because rituals create connection and nurture relationships. The second principle is gratitude. Without a foundation of gratitude for your spouse, natural human selfishness can take over, eventually leaving you in an overwhelming tide of negativity. Happy and fulfilling relationships require sacrifice and selflessness. Practice saying “thank you” – these simple words can revitalize a relationship. Finally, the third principle is to slow down. Don’t allow yourself to get swept up in the surge of commercialism and busyness. This is a crucial time to be thoughtful and intentional about how you spend your time. Decide as a couple what you will do, where you will go, and how you will celebrate. Find things to do and traditions to start that will represent your family’s unique identity and honor the meaning of the season.
Now – for some ideas to help you get started in creating your own traditions as a couple this holiday season!
Write a love letter and exchange on Christmas day
December 1st boxes – make goodie boxes filled with meaningful treasures and/or date ideas to kick off the Christmas season
Bake cookies together
Run a 5K together
Snuggle up for a holiday movie marathon
Make a fire and talk about your goals and dreams for the next year
Go simple
Cook a simpler meal together and make it fun (rather than making an extravagant, magazine-worthy meal alone)
Keep gifts simple to reduce stress and foster gratitude (one helpful way to do this is to get each family member 4 gifts: something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read)
Volunteer together or give back (pick a favorite charity to donate to, volunteer at a local homeless shelter, or participate in Angel Tree or Operation Christmas Child)
Take a walk through Christmas lights
Plan a weekend (or just a night) away for Christmas shopping, reconnection, and alone time
Cook a fancy dinner together and watch a movie
Consider reviving an old tradition that your family did in the past
Write a prayer for the Thanksgiving meal that reflects your family’s blessings in the past year
Make breakfast in bed
Go to a tree lighting
Go ice skating in the city
Go window shopping – bundle up, sip hot cocoa, and hold hands (no buying anything though – just focus on each other and the holiday atmosphere!)
Plan a Christmas party for close family and friends (make it an annual affair!)
Wrap gifts together
Go to a tasting at a local winery or cidery
Watch cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies (countdown to Christmas!)
Remember – be flexible, be willing to compromise, and expect imperfection!
Real love requires sacrifice and real life requires flexibility. But I believe this is exactly what makes the love so beautiful and the life so worthwhile. The more you learn to embrace the holidays with your spouse and use this special time to connect, the more you will build a sense of “we-ness” that will last you all through the year. Blessings to you this holiday season!
For further reading, check out these resources:
The Intentional Family - William J. Doherty, Ph.D.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/g-is-for-gratitude/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/dr-john-gottmans-tips-for-creating-your-own-holiday-rituals/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/dr-gottmans-5-tips-for-filling-your-holiday-season-with-romance/