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Let’s face it – sharing feelings is difficult. Whether you think it’s cheesy, cliché, pointless, or truly helpful, it’s not a cake walk for most of us. But this aversion to emotional engagement can have a significant impact on relationships. Regardless of your level of awareness or ability to empathize, life is messy and we bring baggage to the marriage table which makes it difficult to let go of our insecurities long enough to experience true emotional catharsis within the relationship. This is true even if your emotional intelligence is off the charts!
The truth is, we all crave connection on a deep emotional level. We were made for it. You may have become adept at ignoring this need or seeking it in unhealthy ways, or you may have learned early on that this kind of connection is simply not safe. But if, in a perfect world, we were free from all inhibition (free from guilt, shame, heartache, fear, and our own shortcomings), we would all speak the same truth: “I love you. I need you. Please connect with me and know me deeply.” Sadly, these words are not safe to speak between many married couples. So how do we redeem (or reclaim, if you will :-) ) this sacred emotional connection between a husband and a wife?
I think we have to start by recognizing the need within ourselves, even if it’s unthinkable to speak it out loud right now, and by acknowledging and increasing awareness of our own emotional experience. Emotions are a gift from God, not to govern our lives but to enrich them. Once we can understand and take responsibility for our own feelings, then we can begin the process of learning how to express them appropriately in the safety of a loving and committed relationship. The reality is the more transparent you are with your own emotions (within the boundaries of marriage), and the more you strive to understand and validate your spouse’s emotions, the more satisfying your relationship will be. Why? Because the response you are getting from your heart’s cry for connection is this: “I see you as you are, and I love you. You are safe with me no matter what.” What a beautiful picture of marital intimacy.
You may be thinking that such a picture is unrealistic because in the real world, we are not free from the scars of our past or from our fallen human nature. And while this is true, there is much we can do to experience a fulfilling relationship based on genuine desire and effort to connect emotionally, even if it can never be perfect. After all, the goal is not perfection but growth. We strive with unbending resolve and uninhibited grace.
Here are some ways you can increase the collective emotional intelligence within your marriage:
1. Take stock of your own emotional experience.
This requires taking time to be present and being willing to experience discomfort. If you need help understanding and processing your emotions, find a friend, mentor, or therapist who can walk this path with you. But do not skip over this important step because you do not have emotions or do not need to talk about them – both of these poor excuses reek of denial and ignorance.
2. Understand how your past experiences have shaped the way you deal with emotions now – both individually and within your marriage.
What has been done before is always what is best. Making changes and doing things differently than what you are used to or how you were raised does not mean you do not respect or appreciate your parents. Your marriage is primary, and so you must make changes in your life and patterns of behavior to accommodate its primacy.
3. Choose “us” over “me” every day.
You are not a one-man or one-woman team. Turn toward your spouse and put his/her needs first even when it is not convenient or comfortable. With your words and actions, say to your husband or wife on a daily basis, “You matter the most.”
For more reading on this topic, check out the following resources:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman, Ph.D.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotionally-intelligent-husbands-key-lasting-marriage/