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Spring is finally here, and with it visions of love blooming and growing just like the flowers popping up all around us. In fact it seems like all of nature is suddenly a very vivid reflection of beauty and life. Maybe you find yourself in the same cheery place with your spouse, or maybe you’re coming out of a long winter exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. Wherever you are on the feeling-of-love spectrum, I want to offer some encouragement and some realistic strategies that can be helpful whether your desire is to renew your relationship or to keep it going strong.
There is one truth that I strive to live by, both personally and professionally, that can simultaneously offer a marriage hope and a healthy dose of realism: love is a choice. To those struggling in a dissatisfying marriage, who feel like the love has all but drained out of the relationship over the years, it can be a relief to know that we can choose to love even when we don’t feel like it. To those on cloud nine, caught up in the “love is in the air” feelings of mutual passion and admiration, it can be a grounding truth to know that, even when love does not feel that way, love can be just as real and just as strong. The good news is, love is very often accompanied by feelings of passion and affection and desire, and what a gift when we experience them simultaneously! However at the end of the day, when all else has faded or been ignored or broken, we still have a decision to make about how we will treat our spouses: to love or not to love.
However simple this may sound, the reality is that this is one of the most difficult tasks any married couple will face. It requires a certain amount of selflessness, self-control, and intentionality – more than any of us, I suspect, possess naturally. In light of this, here are some strategies to consider as you grapple with this idea of love as a verb, and not just a feeling. The more your perspective on love changes from fleeting emotion to concrete action, the stronger your relationship foundation will become.
Strive to be a safe person for your spouse.
Simply put, be someone your spouse can count on. Even when you are stressed and exhausted from a long day of work, make an effort to be present with your spouse and to meet his or her needs. Even when you think you hear criticism and are tempted to react accordingly, give your partner the benefit of the doubt. In general, assume good intentions and in doing so shower grace on your loved one. We all need this in abundance!
Let your values drive you.
Consider what you live by, and then make conscious choices congruent with these values, even when the going gets rough. Maybe that’s generosity – and you choose to give your partner the benefit of the doubt even when he or she does not deserve it. Or maybe collaboration or transparency or humility – and you decide that you will love and serve your partner even when they are not pulling their weight. Too often, especially when we think of love as a feeling only, we let our emotions take the driver’s seat. This makes for quite a wild ride – and not in a good way. This is where it starts to feel unnatural, because a common motto is “Follow your heart” – but Jeremiah 17:9 states, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (ESV). Yikes! That should make us think twice about giving our emotions free reign over our thoughts and actions. Emotions are a gift and enhance our lives in many ways, but they are meant to be a gauge, not a guide.
Communicate clearly.
Take time to understand how you are feeling, and then find ways to express that to your spouse in helpful and non-threatening ways. Often we use words like “stressed” or “angry” or “sad” to describe our experiences, but the problem is that these tend to be “umbrella emotions,” meaning that those words can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. If you say you are angry, you might actually mean you are feeling frustrated or resentful or disappointed or disrespected. These more specific expressions can bring much clarity and allow for much grace within a conversation.
Embrace your emotions, and enjoy the feelings of love that greatly enrich our experiences in marriage, but remember that relationships are not built on feelings. Strong marriages are built on every day, every moment choices that reflect your values and put your partner first.