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When a baby is first born, health care providers recommend as much “skin to skin contact” that mom and dad can provide. Why? Because it’s vital for baby’s health and development. Vital. Touch is the first sense to develop and its interpersonal impact is significant even in-utero. Loving physical touch can help a baby thrive, and even calm a distressed baby. But, sadly, the converse is also true: touch deprivation in infancy can lead to major cognitive and neurodevelopmental delays – even when all of their physical needs are met (Field, 2010). Neglect and lack of physical touch have even been shown to be a factors in babies diagnosed with failure to thrive (Polan & Ward, 1994). But it’s not just babies who need to be cared for in this way. Touch is the universal language of love, one that spans a lifetime and one that can serve to powerfully strengthen relationship bonds.
Let's start with the science behind this phenomenon. This won't be your typical, conversational blog post, but the facts are actually pretty amazing, so stick with me. Research has shown that adults who receive affectionate, non-sexual, touch from their partners experience decreases in blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol (stress hormone) levels when faced with stressful situations. Loving touch also produces an increase in oxytocin (“love hormone”) in lovers, fueling and deepening their intimate bond (Field, 2010). In particular, the reduction in stress alone can lead to healthier individuals with healthier relationships because when individuals in a relationship are stressed, it usually means less time spent together, worse communication, and more conflict. Touch reduces stress by communicating security, acceptance, desire, and trust. And when people feel that their loved one is both physically and emotionally available and responsive to them, even the most difficult tasks or situations don’t seem so grim (Jakubiak & Feeney, 2017). Physical touch given and received in reciprocal love conveys the message, “I’m here. I see you. And I’m on your side.”
Further, lovers who feel secure and accepted by each other are more likely to resist relationship-destroying behaviors like defensiveness and contempt, and to respond with greater empathy. This makes for healthier and more intimate relationships, which in general are the most important determinant of happiness for most people (Jakubiak & Feeney, 2017). However this is no surprise – after all, we were designed for relationships. The universal longing to be loved and accepted unconditionally by another is hard wired in, no matter how much we may try to ignore it or deny it or bury it deep within the pain of past experiences. And just as we were created for relationships, we were also created to need and to desire touch – why else would God have created skin to be the largest organ of the body? This is no coincidence, folks.
So, even if you don’t think physical touch is your primary “love language” or you don’t consider yourself a “touchy feely person,” remember that it’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Skin to skin contact with your spouse will not look the same for everyone, and even if it requires a little extra effort on your part to make it happen, your partner and your marriage will thank you for it. Try hand holding, sitting close enough to touch arms/legs while watching TV, hugging, or a quick shoulder massage. Be creative and remember that this is not an optional, “take it or leave it” piece of advice from a marriage therapist – it’s a necessity for your relationship to thrive, just as it’s necessary for a newborn baby to thrive.
Bottom line? Loving physical touch can help to create, sustain, and protect feelings of attachment over the long term. And while its not the only key to a fulfilling marriage, it’s certainly a vital player. Let’s not underestimate the power of the 5th sense.
For further reading, check out these resources:
Field, T. Touch for socioemotional and physical well-being: A review. 2010. https://www-sciencedirect-com.ezproxy.liberty.edu/science/article/pii/S0273229711000025
Jakubiak, B. and Feene, B. Affectionate Touch to Promote Relational, Psychological, and Physical Well-Being in Adulthood: A Theoretical Model and Review of the Research. 2010. https://journals-sagepub-com.ezproxy.liberty.edu/doi/pdf/10.1177/1088868316650307
Polan, H. and Ward, M. Role of the mother's touch in failure to thrive: a preliminary investigation. 1994. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7982860
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201405/why-lovers-touch-is-so-powerful
https://www.health.com/relationships/benefits-touch-your-partner-every-day
https://drgarybrowntherapy.com/physical-touch-important-relationships/